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maths paper two yesterday was difficult.. hard to the extend that there are several times i wanted to give up the whole paper and just lay on the table and enjoy sleeping.. perhaps is my mind that do the job.. it keeps reminding me that i was once a retainee.. i can't afford to waste another one more year again.. i know how terrible it feels to see all my friends,, one by one been promoted to secondary five yet i am still stuck in secondary four.. the feeling was bad when they start to talk about things which i don't even understand with.. but what can i do.? if want to blame,, blame my playfulness and badmemory..

remember one year ago,,almost all my friends asked me to stay till late in school to revised different subjects,,but i didn't.. thinking that got stay no stay perhaps also no different.. one way thinking kills.. there goes my one whole year.. one year later and which is now,, i am back in school for examination.. not O'levels,, but N'levels.. AGAIN.. having all these thoughts repeating and repeating in my mind,, i decided to score well for this year.. say easy then do.. i totally agreed with this standard line..

no matter how hard i tried to study,things somehow does not gets in my brain.. instead of getting things into my brain,, i somehow feels that things are happening in the opposite way.. i tend to forget things easily.. what is actually happening to me.?

you guys know.. i am once a quick learner and a good memory girl.. no matter how many spelling words,either chinese or english, i would remember it in just a few minutes reading.. no matter how hard the pieces i am playing,, i would be able to play well without much stopping.. unbelieveable right.? but all these only stay by my side for a few years.. i started to lost them bits by bits,, one by one within a year.. please don't asked me how or asked me why.. i personally also don't know why.. perhaps its because of a particular incident which totally changed me inside out..

cheerful and braveful rebecca had turned into a different person now.. all because of that unforgotten incident in my family.. i somehow exchanged my soul with someone else.. sometime my mum would asked me,, why my memory so bad now.. she remembered me as a good memory daughter yet i am different now.. in the past, i won't cry even my relative past away.. but now,, i would easily shed a tear even for a past away pets.. despite they are not my pets too..
i seems so weak now.. one incident totally turned me into current state.. pity me.? please don't okay.. i am living good now.. at least i didn't lost any of my family member now.. things do change but i am trying to adopt it days by days.. i want to grow strong and independent.. do well in school,,but it seems that i gonna disappointed my parents again.. i know how badly i done no matter how serious i studied.. forget it.. perhaps i am just wasting another year,, to prove to them i really gain nothing in no matter how many years..

i know they will understand me someday.. i will start planing for my future now.. though i can't see my way ahead,, but i would try hard..

cheer me on everyone